When ignoring our partner may actually be okay! - according to attachment theory

 

When Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was asked about the secret to her long and happy marriage, she shared this story:  “On the day I was married, my mother-in-law …told me ‘It helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”  As a therapist, this advice gave me pause.  Could ignoring one’s partner really be helpful? 

The value of friends

 

In the past several decades, Americans have increasingly relied on their romantic partners to fulfill their intimate needs.  We’ve turned to our partners for economic survival needs, emotional support and connection, and for facilitating our personal growth.  We expect all of this to come from one person.

This intense reliance on just one other person can be problematic.  Most likely, our romantic partner can meet some of our expectations, but not all.  In addition, more and more Americans don’t live with a partner or a spouse for large portions of their lives.  People marry later and many divorce or separate.  In fact, according to a recent Pew Research Center report, 42 percent of American adults are unpartnered.  This can pose a dilemma.  Society has encouraged us to depend on our romantic partners to meet our intimate needs, but many of us are without a partner, meaning we often have no one to turn to.  Indeed, there is a worrying increase in loneliness amongst adults in this country, enough that the Surgeon General has called it a public-health crisis.  And the coronavirus pandemic has only made matters worse.  Over the past year, levels of depression and anxiety have risen dramatically.  Social isolation is a big causative factor.    Friendships can serve as an antidote to this growing crisis.

The art of quitting

 

Society tells us that persistence and perseverance pay off.  If the going gets tough, one should hold on, keep going, and not let go.  I’ve usually ascribed to this philosophy.  Even my doctoral dissertation was on grit, a construct defined by Angela Duckworth as maintaining passion and persistence when pursuing a long-term goal.  Through that process, I learned that grit was constructive, useful, and was most certainly related to achieving success.

Striving for "mediocrity" through radical acceptance, self-compassion, and gratitude

 

When I graduated college, a family friend said “Congratulations!  My advice going forward is to strive for mediocrity!”  I reacted strongly.  How could he say that?  I wanted to shoot for the moon, accomplish big things.  I dreamed of making a difference, having an impact.  Striving for mediocrity didn’t fit in with my vision of the future at all.  In the years that have happened since (too many to mention!), I’ve come to realize that this family friend was right.  If I get to the end of my life and I’ve achieved mediocrity, I have succeeded.

What your attachment style says about you

 

We are wired to connect with others.  We thrive when we have secure relationships, people we can depend on, trust, and turn to in times of trouble.  Ironically, though we are wired to connect with others, it is not always easy for us to do so.  Relationships are hard.  We get triggered by others.  We may feel overly sensitive to another’s moods and shut down.  We may close ourselves off because we fear rejection and this may ultimately cause us to be rejected.  We may exaggerate our needs to get another’s attention and worry that if we don’t put in 110%, a relationship will fail, but even with that effort, the relationship fails anyway.  Attachment theory offers us an understanding of why we often struggle in friendships and relationships. 

Are friendships attachment bonds?

 

Can friends be family?  Or at least, can friends serve as attachment bonds?  I have pondered this question over the years.